SOME OF THESE JOKES ARE X-RATED.
A ventriloquist is walking across the dessert. He's hungy and tired, and he sees that night is coming soon and he's worried about where he's going to sleep and eat. All of a sudden he comes across anIndian in the desert. The Indian is making camp and sitting down any cooking dinner. He also notices that the Indian has ia dog, a horse, and a sheep.
The ventriloquist asks the Indian, Excuse me. Indian. Can I stay here and have dinner with you and sleep here? The Indian is agreeable says he can stay and eat and sleep there.
After dinner, the ventriloquist decides to have some fun with the Indian.
He says, Hey Indian, you mind if I have a talk with your dog?
The Indian says, Ugh! Dog not talk.
The ventriloquist says, Sure the dog can talk. Look here. Hey dog. You like living with the Indian? He treat you good?
The ventriloquist throws his voice and has the dog say, Oh the Indian is top-notch. He's great! He treats me all right. He plays with me and gives me bones to chew on. I like the Indian.
The Indian says, Ugh. Me not know dog talk.
Later, the ventriloquist says, Hey Indian, you mind if I have a talk with your horse?
The Indian says, Ugh! Horse not talk.
The ventriloquist says, Sure the horse can talk. Look here. Hey horse. You like living with the Indian? He treat you good?
The ventriloquist throws his voice and has the horse say, Oh the Indian is great. He feeds me oats and got me a nice blanket. I like the Indian.
The Indian says, Ugh. Me not know horse talk.
Later, the ventriloquist says, Hey Indian, you mind if I have a talk with your sheep?
The Indian yells out, Sheep lie!
[My friend, Dr Barry, has his own version of this joke] - Click HERE
SHIPWRECK
Question: Hilary and Obama were in a rowboat and it sunk. The question is who was saved?
Answer: America!
SIX MORE WEEKS
A gay guy goes to the Doctor for his physical. After the exam the Doctor comes in and say's, "You've got six weeks to live."
The gay guy asks, "How do you know this?"
The Doctor tells him, "During the exam a hamster crawled out of your ass, saw his shadow, and went back in."
THE RABBI'S WIDOW AND THE BUTCHER
A Rabbi died and his widow was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.
The town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.
The poor widow was somewhat dismayed, because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no real formal education.
However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the Mikvah, the Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities.
Then she went home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex."
So they did.
She lit the candles.
He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex."
So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue, it's good to have sex."
So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's good to have sex."
So they did.
On Sunday, she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"
She replied, "Well, he's no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."
WHAT RELIGION IS THAT ANIMAL?
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his dog for company. One day the dog died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ye be sayin' a mass for de poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon replied, "I'll go right away Father. Do ye think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Mother of Jesus! Why din't ye tell me the dog was Catholic?"
THREE COUPLES
Three couples died in an auto accident. One couple was Irish, one Jewish, one Greek.
The couples were sitting in the waiting room, waiting to be interviewed by the Admitting Angel. The door was open so they could hear the interview going on.
The Angel yelled "NEXT!"
The Irish couple walked in. The Angel looked at them and said, "Oh Irish. I hate Irish. What did you do in life that you think you deserve to be admitted?"
The couple said, "Nothing, We just hope for mercy."
The Angel said to the husband, "What's your wife's name?"
He said, "Brandy."
The Angel said, "Brandy? You mean like the alcohol drink? All you people ever think of is drinking. Get outta here!"
The Angel yelled "NEXT!"
The Jewish couple walked in. The Angel looked at them and said, "Oh Jews. I hate Jews. What did you do in life that you think you deserve to be admitted?"
The couple said, "Nothing, We just hope for mercy."
The Angel said to the husband, "What's your wife's name?"
He said, "Penny."
The Angel said, "Penny? You mean like the coin? All you people ever think of is money. Get outta here!"
The Greek couple in the waiting room had heard it all.
The Greek husband turned to his wife and said, "I guess we don't stand a chance, Fanny!"
THE JEW AND THE CHINAMAN
An old Jew and an old Chinaman were sitting around, talking about the merits of their respective ethnic groups.
The old Chinaman said, "Our culture very old. Our history go back 4000 year."
The old Jew said, "Our culture is very old too. Our history goes back 5000 years."
The Chinaman said, "5000 year? Let me ask you something. What you people do for dinner Sunday night first thousand year?"
THE LUCKY DOG
Two Jews walk into a bar.
The first Jew looks at the floor of the bar and sees a German Shepherd lying there, licking his own dick. He taps the second Jew on the arm and points down to the dog.
The second Jew looks down and says, "Ho boy! I sure vish I could do dat!"
The bartender says, "No you don't. He bites!"
SURE IS DEAD
A couple of Rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
Panic-stricken, he says to the operator, "I think Zeke is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot rings out.
The Redneck comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
HELLO STRANGER
Joe steps into a public mens room and enters a stall. All of a sudden, someone in the next stall is talking.
Stranger: Hey, how's it going?
Joe: (embarrased) Umm, not too bad, you?
Stranger: Not too bad, what have you been up to?
Joe: Well, just going to see some family.
Stranger: Listen, would it be okay if I came to your house on Wednesday?
Joe: (nervous) Uhh, well actually I'm in the process of moving.
Stranger: Listen Mike I gotta call you back. Some schmuck in the next stall keeps answering all my questons.
TURN ABOUT IS FAIR PLAY
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bras."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
COMMENTS MADE DURING A COLONOSCOPY
A gastroenterologist/proctologist claims that these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
THE DEAD RABBIT
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the dead rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um..no..um..what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there..."
DISHONORED
A Japanese man was told by his friends that his wife was dishonoring him with a Jewish man.
When he went home, he confronted his wife. "Wife! I understand you dishonor me with a Jewish man."
The wife responded, "No husband. That not true! I not dishonor you with Jewish man! Who told you that MISHUGAS?
NOT TODAY
Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks when one turned to the other and said, "You smell terrible. Did you shit in your pants?"
"No" was the reply.
They continued a little ways and the first hobo said "I don't believe you." He grabbed the other guy and pulled down his pants and sure enough there was a big load there.
"Why did you lie to me?"
"I didn't lie. I thought you meant today."
HELPFULL ARABISMS
Akbar Kmali-xili Haftir Loftan
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
Feker Gabul Acardan Davat Paeh Gush Divar
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on
the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
Shomash Fika Tahomes Guh Dotfug Dandu
I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in
your life.
Auto Arraregh Dvateman Mami Sapehah-hast
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the
trunk of your car.
Fahal-eh Tupehman Na Degat Mano Goftan Cheeshayen Momema Rajefen
Kashavarehman
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
country in public.
Khrel Jepahehmaneh Va Jayeii Amrkanyey
I will tell you the names and addresses of many American
spies travelling as reporters.
Balli Balli Balli
Whatever you say.....
Maternier Ghermez Ahleih Ghorban
The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.
Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelsh Bezorg Ba Khrunn Boyast Ino Begeram
The water soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I
must have the recipe.
Etenforam Dheratee Otageh Shoma Mikrastam Khe Do Haftash Da
Bodeheh Shekkeel Teegs
Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
self than to spend a fortnight secluded with the person of
Cheryl Tiegs.
A BIBLICAL GUIDE TO SCHOOL, TEACHERS, STUDENTS, PARENTS
*Room Numbers*
Remove not the ancient landmark.
(Proverbs XXII, 28)
*Nurse's Room*
Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there?
(Jeremiah VIII, 22)
*Scheduling*
My times are in thine hand.
(Psalms XXXI, 15)
*Hall Passes*
More to be desired are they than gold.
(Psalms XIX, 10)
*Excuses for Tardiness*
I said in my haste, All men are liars.
(Psalms CXVI, 11)
*Smoking in the Lavatory*
Man is born unto trouble, as the sparks fly upward.
(Job V, 7)
*Dress Code*
Even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
(Matthew VI, 29)
*Seating Chart*
There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.
(Proverbs XVIII, 24)
*Changes in the Seating Chart*
He that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.
((Proverbs XVII, 9)
*Lunch Menus*
We have here but five loaves and two fishes.
(Matthew XIII, 17)
*Dismissal*
And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a rushing mighty
wind.
(Acts II, 2)
*Students (as teachers see them)*
Vain is the help of man.
(Psalms LX, 11)
*Teachers (as students see them)*
She came to prove him with hard questions.
(1 Kings X, 1)
*School Disciplinarian*
The king of terrors.
(Job XVIII, 14)
*Guidance Counselor*
A friend of publicans and sinners.
(Matthew XI, 19)
*Basketball Coach*
Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
(Matthew VI, 27)
*Orchestra Instructor*
He was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
(Genesis IV, 21)
*Chorus Instructor*
They that carried us away captive required of us a song.
(Psalms CXXXVII, 3)
*Study Hall*
Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the
hands to sleep.
(Proverbs VI, 10)
*Homework*
I will not give sleep to mine eyes or slumber to mine eyelids.
(Psalms CXXXII, 4)
*Tests*
Study to be quiet and to do your own business.
(1 Thessalonians IV, 11)
*Report Cards*
Thou renderest to every man according to his work.
(Psalms LXII, 12)
*Parent-Teacher Conferences*
Your fathers, where are they?
(Zechariah I, 5)
*Graduation*
Another book was opened, which is the book of life.
(Revelation XX, 12)
A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds
CODE WORD..... MEANS
40-ish 48
Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate Possessive
Artist Unreliable
Athletic Flat chested
Average looking Ugly
Beautiful Pathological liar
Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin
Educated College dropout
Emotionally Secure Medicated
Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera Snob
Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian
Feminist Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure One paycheck from the street
Free spirit Substance user
Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun Annoying
Gentle Comatose
Good Listener Borderline Autistic
Humorous Caustic
Intuitive Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker Lush
Looks younger If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel If you're paying
Loves Animals Cat lady
Mature Will not let you treat her like a farm
animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
Non-traditional Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded Desperate
Outgoing Loud
Passionate Loud
Petite Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional Bitch
Redhead Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable Frumpy
Reubenesque Grossly Fat
Romantic Looks better by candle light
Self-employed Jobless
Smart Insipid
Special Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual Involved with a cult
Stable Boring
Tall, thin Anorexic
Tan Wrinkled
Voluptuous Very Fat
Weight proportional to Hugely Fat
height
Wants Soulmate One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged first husband to death
Writer Pompous
Young at heart Toothless crone
Sooo, where's the male side of that list? Here's a start:
A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
"MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds
CODE WORD... MEANS...
40-ish 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking Fat, grey, and bald
Educated Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure I will spend some money on you, in return
for which I will expect you to obey my
every whim for the duration of your
mortal life.
Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking Arrogant bastard
Honest Pathological Liar
Huggable Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO Slim, attractive female Would be better off with a labrador
retriever
Light drinker Headed for AA
Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on I read Cosmo and think this is what you
the beach want to hear
Mature Until you get to know him
Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she's
not interested
Physically fit I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors
admiring myself
Poet Once wrote on a bathroom stall while
constipated
Professional Owns a white button down
Reliable Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Self-employed Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
Sensitive Needy
Smart Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever
on TV"
Spiritual Once went to church with his grandmother
on Easter
Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Virile Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without
passing out
Young at heart Pedophile
THE AMAZING BRASS RAT
A man walked into a curio shop in Tel Aviv. Browsing the shop he came upon a beautifully crafted brass rat. He picked it up and brought it to the shopkeeper. "This brass rat is incredible", he said. "I have never seen so much detail on a scupture. It's remarkable. How much is it?" The shopkeeper replied, "It's 25 skekels. But there is a story that goes with it and the story is 100 shekels." The customer replied, "I don't wish to pay for the story. I only want the rat." The shopkeeper nodded and said, "Alright, but I have a feeling that you will be back for the story." The customer left the shop with the brass rat under his arm.
Going home, he decided that he would like to walk along the beach and look at the beauty of the Mediterranean Sea. He began to walk and after a moment he heard a squeak from behind him. He turned around and saw that a rat was following him. Feeling somwhat uneasy, he shook off the feeling and continued walking home along the beach. Soon he heard more squeaks behind him. He turned around and now there were 10 rats following behind him. He began to get really nervous and started walking faster. After a few minutes the squeaking grew louder. Turning around he saw 100 rats following. He broke into a run and ran until his lungs gave out. Slowing down and looking behind, he saw thousands of rats following him. Suddenly it dawned on him that the reason all these rats were following him had to do with the brass rat and the story that the shopkeeper had told him about.
It was too late to turn back and get the story so he took the brass rat and hurled it into the Sea. Immediately all of the thousands of rats jumped into the Sea after the brass rat. All the rats drowned in the Sea.
The next day the man returned to the curio shop. Seeing him, the shopkeeper said, "Oh, I see that you have returned to purchase the story of the rat." "No", the man said, "That's not it. I came back to ask ... Do you happen to have any brass Arabs?"
THE PACT
Fine and Shapiro were two business partners. They made a pact with each other that whoever died first would come back and contact the other, telling him what the afterlife was all about.
Soon after, Shapiro died.
Six months later, Fine was sleeping. It was 3 am. The phone rang. Fine picked it up. "Hello? Who is calling me at 3 in the morning?", he angrily asked.
The voice answered: "Fine! Fine! Its Shapiro!"
Fine got angier. "What kind of sick joke is this? Shapiro died 6 months ago!"
The voice replied: "Thats right, Fine! Thats right! But remember, we made a pact!"
Fine rubbed his eyes and sat up. "The pact! My goodness, I almost forgot. Shapiro, its really you?"
"Yes Fine", the voice answered, "Really me. I'm sorry it took so long for me to contact you but this is the first time that I have been able to get to a phone since I got here."
Fine answered: "Thats ok, Shapiro, thats ok! I understand. Don't worry about it. Please, just tell me what its like on the other side. What's it like where you are?"
The voice said, "Its GREAT, Fine, its GREAT! Let me tell you what we do here, our daily schedule."
Fine settled back onto his pillow and said, "Go ahead, Shapiro, please, I have been waiting to hear about the afterlife for six months. I don't even care that its 3 in the morning. Go ahead. I am all ears!"
The voice said: "OK. This is how it is here every day. First thing, we get up in the morning and have breakfast; then we either go for a swim, take a nap, or have sex. Later on we have morning snacks; then its more swimming or napping or sex. Then its time for lunch. After lunch, we take a nap, go for a swim, or have sex. Later on its time for afternoon snacks. After that its more naps, swims, or sex. Soon its dinner time, and after dinner we can either go for another swim or have more sex. Then its bedtime. We go to sleep. Thats it."
Fine sat up again. "What? Thats it? Thats what its all about? Sleeping, eating, swimming, and sex? Thats what heaven is like?"
The voice came back in a surprised tone: "Heaven? Who is talking about heaven? I am a buffalo in North Dakota!".
TYPICAL WHITE MAN
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says, "You going to die, cowboy. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other figuring, "Typical white thinks only with short bow."
The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. Again, the Indians shake their heads figuring, "Typical white man, going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
On the last day, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
THE ARCHAEOLOGICAL FIND
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance:
A woman - A donkey - A shovel - A fish - and the Star of David.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old.They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that the race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence was in the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. "The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of he room and
said:
"Idiots! Hebrew reads from right to left. It says: 'Holy Mackerel,
Dig the Ass on that Woman!' "
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE?
What Happens When You Fall In Love With:
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (He cheats on you.)
A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)
A trashman? (He dumps you.)
A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)
A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)
An artist? (He gives you the brush.)
A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)
MY DREAM
I had a dream the other night that I just couldn't shake. I'll share it with you.
In my dream, I saw Hugh Hefner. Hefner dies and he goes to hell. He is down in hell and they bring out this really hideously ugly woman and a voice comes down and says: "HUGH HEFNER, BECAUSE YOU WERE A SINNER YOU ARE CONDEMNED TO LIVE WITH THIS WOMAN FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY."
Now I want to wake up but I can't.
Then I saw Bob Guccione who also dies and he goes to hell. He is down in hell and they bring out this woman who is ten times uglier than the first, and a voice comes down and says: "BOB GUCCIONE, BECAUSE YOU WERE A SINNER YOU ARE CONDEMNED TO LIVE WITH THIS WOMAN FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY."
Now I really want to wake up but I just don't seem to be able.
Then I die and go to hell. And they bring out Raquelle Welch. Then a voice comes down and says: "RAQUELLE WELCH, BECAUSE YOU WERE A SINNER YOU ARE CONDEMNED TO LIVE WITH ......."
A JEW IN CHINA
A Jewish journalist goes to China to cover a story there. It is right before the major Jewish holidays and this is the first time that he is going to be far from his Jewish community for the holidays. Of course he feels a bit sad. Then he thinks to himself that there may be a Jewish neighborhood here in the Chinese city. He asks the first person he sees if there are any Jewish neighborhoods in town and the man says yes there is and gives him directions to the Jewish neighborhood.
On ROSH HASHANNAH, he goes to the neighborhood and sees this magnificent sysnagoge built in Oriental temple style. He goes in to attend services and he is quite taken aback by the beauty of it all.
After the service, he runs up to the rabbi and says, "Oh rabbi, the service was wonderfull, the synagogue is beautiful and I am so happy to be here because this is the first time that I have been away from home during the Jewish holidays."
The rabbi looks at him and says, "You Jewish?"
He answers, "Of course I am Jewish, rabbi."
The rabbi laughs and says, "Funny, you no lookee Jewish!"
THE BEAR
A Jewish man is out in the woods when he comes across a bear.
Frightened for his life, he runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and hides in a cave. He is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave, and now the man is trapped.
He closes his eyes and begins to recite "SH'MA YISRAEL" [the prayer said before dying] in anticipation of is final moments.
When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed - also praying. The man thinks to himself "How lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear! We're mishpocheh [family] - I'm saved!"
And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer "HAMOTSI LECHEM MINHA'ARETS" [the prayer said before eating]
GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD
A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.
The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both books have been lost.
A presidential spokesperson said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.
TALKING TO JESUS
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.
I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Senyor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
ANGELINA IS PREGNANT
"Happy news from Hollywood. Angelina Jolie is pregnant. And, insiders believe, as soon as the child is born, she plans to adopt it." -David Letterman
WHAT HE IS GOOD AT
The detective was leafing through the suspect's cime history folder. "Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run, disorderly conduct, armed Robbery, sexual assault, rape, man-slaughter..."
"Yeah, I know." said the prisoner. "It took me quite a while to figure out what I was good at."
EASY TO UNDERSTAND
According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman was.
MEMORABLE QUOTES FROM LEADERS
"Damit, when you get married, you kind of expect you're going
to get a little sex."
--Jeremiah Denton, senator from Alabama, 1981-86. Denton had
offered a bill providing criminal immunity for raping a spouse.
"Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like
trying to read a Playboy with your wife turning the pages."
--Barry Goldwater, 1964 Republican presidential nominee
"If guns are outlawed, how can we shoot the liberals?"
--Mike Gunn, Mississippi state senator, 1991
"We have every mixture you can imagine. I have a black, I
have a woman, two Jews and a cripple."
--James Watt, Secretary of the Interior, 1981-83, describing
an Interior Department advisory group.
"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"
--George Bush, touring Auschwitz in 1987.
GIFT WRAPPED
While purchasing some condoms, the young man remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."
"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "Would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"
"That wouldn't make much sense," said the customer. "They are the gift wrapping."
ROOM SERVICE
Jewish Mother: 'Hello, operator! Give me the manager from the fancy-dancy room service.'
Manager: 'Room Service.'
Jewish Mother: 'This is room 402, Mister Room Service. I vant to order breakfast.'
Manager: 'Certainly, madam. What would you like?'
Jewish Mother: 'For me, I vant a glass orange juice mit pits. The toast should be burned, and - '
Manager: 'Madam, I can't fill an order like that!'
Jewish Mother: 'Aha! You did yesterday!'
MAJORITY VOTE
A rabbi in the hospital received a large vase of flowers with the following note: 'The congregation wishes you a full and speedy recovery - by a vote of 212 to 74.'
BUSINESS [You have to be a certain age to get this one]
Selma, Abie and their four children ran a dry goods store on the Lower East Side. Over forty years, they expanded and made a fortune so they decided to buy a department store - Macy's. They toured the huge store with Mr. Macy himself. Afterward, Abie wrote a check for the ten million down payment, when Selma tugged at his sleeve.
'Abie, don't buy!' she whispered adamantly.
'Why not?'
'You didn't notice? There's no apartment in the back!'
ENOUGH
Rivka tottered into a lawyer's office and told him she wanted a divorce.
'A divorce?' asked the shocked lawyer. 'Tell me, how old are you?'
'Ninety - this July,' answered Rivka.
'Ninety! And how old is your husband?'
'He's 92.'
'And how long have you been married?' he asked in disbelief.
'September will be 70 years.'
'Children?
'Four. Gorgeous.
'Why would you want a divorce now?'
'Because,' said Rivka ... 'enough is enough.'
HINT
Myrna and David dated five years, yet not once did David bring up the subject of marriage.
Finally, Myrna's mama sat her down.
'Darling, I think you've waited long enough. The next time you're out, give him a little hint, OK, Mamala?'
The next Sunday, David took Myrna to their favorite Kosher Chinese Restaurant.
As he read the menu, he casually asked her, 'So Myrna, how do you want your rice? White or fried?'
Without hesitating, Myrna looked up at him, and replied, 'Thrown.'
THE PRAYER
A rabbi was talking to precocious six-year-old Mendel. 'So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night. That's very
commendable. What does she actually say?'
Little Mendel replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
JEWISH SURVIVAL
A new flood was predicted and nothing could prevent it. In three days, the waters would wipe out the world.
The Dalai Lama appeared on worldwide media and pleaded with humanity to follow Buddhist teachings to find nirvana in the wake of the disaster.
The pope issued a similar message, saying, 'It is still not too late to accept Jesus as your Savior.'
The chief rabbi of Jerusalem took a slightly different approach:
'My people,' he said, 'we have three days to learn how to live under water.'
NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES
A man and his ever-nagging yenta wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $7,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for only $350."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $350?"
The man replied, "I heard a story about how, once, another Jew died here and was buried here, and three days later rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
NOT IN MY LIFETIME
A career diplomat once interviewed God. Here's an excerpt of it:
Diplomat: Will there be peace in the Northern Ireland between Catholics and Protestants?
God: Yes, My son, there will be peace in Northern Ireland. However, it won't happen in your lifetime.
Diplomat: Will there be peace in the Middle East between Jews and Arabs?
God: Yes, My son, there will be peace between Jews and Arabs, but it won't happen in My lifetime.
PFIZER ANNOUNCEMENT
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
SUNDAY MORNING SEX
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house To visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old Having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, We figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'